A nauseating osu! game

Warning: Don't read this scribble during or after lunch (or if you have a weak stomach)!

It was a long, boring afternoon and an anonymous osu! player who I’ll call Pippi was procrastinating instead of doing her homework, so she decided to hop on the Facetome and the Tweeter. It was then that she noticed the osu! icon on her desktop… that icon was so beautiful, so attractive… Pippi couldn’t stop herself and she assaulted that icon with her lethal double-click. This was a small step for the mouse, but a big step for the arrow-shaped cursor. The game booted up and displayed its joyful, pink, circular splash screen. Pippi promptly got to the main menu. She excitedly plugged in her tablet to a USB port and clicked “Play”, then “Solo”. This preparation made her feel like she was a soldier ready to dive inside a war made of beatmaps and hit-circles.

The beatmap selection screen popped up in all of its glory. Pippi could have chosen a nightcore beatmap… she could have chosen a Vocaloid beatmap… but no. She chose that strange beatmap that she downloaded from a dating website. The game started and displayed the epilepsy warning screen. Pippi, carelessly, didn’t even notice it and waited for the beginning of the song. During the first part, she managed to get every single hit-circle and every slider, but nearing the end she missed. Astonished, she got nervous and she tried again immediately. No luck this time too: she repeated the same mistake. Angered, she tried again and again and again, reaching 70 retries. Pippi wasn’t a bad player, but she couldn’t get that damn hit-circle. She was bitter and disappointed, so much that she felt the will to live leaving her body. She decided to try one last time. This time, more motivated than ever before, she felt that she could complete it with a Perfect. Pippi started feeling not so well, but she was determined to succeed, so she endured the pain caused by her wrists and her anxiety. Hit-circle after hit-circle, she finally got to that cursed section, but something was very wrong. She felt something funny in her stomach, and presto, her mouth was filled with the worst regurgitation of her entire life. She couldn’t keep it inside herself: “HUERGGH!”, and her lunch was now on her keyboard, forcibly ejected from her mouth. That keyboard was now filled with vomit and the tablet collected Pippi’s puke forming a slimy poodle. Pippi was exhausted and she felt her energies leaving her body, but something motivated her to continue that game… yep, that’s right: somehow, she got past that bothersome hit-circle and that gave her the strength necessary to keep playing. She grabbed her soaked pen, she put her finger on the Z and X keys of that filthy keyboard and she got a shiver down her spine for touching her own vomit. After the song breaktime, she was ready. She started playing again, but she noticed that a piece of pasta got stuck under the Z key. “That’s not good”, she thought to herself, “I can’t do streams like this”, so she mashed that Z key and she managed to maul that pasta piece. She was finally free to finish the beatmap and she miraculously managed to get a Perfect!

After that feat, Pippi stood still watching the screen, satisfied, with her mouth open, still leaking some vomit on her pants. After some time contemplating the screen, she let out the most unladylike burp ever heard and she pressed the key combination ALT+F4.

Moral of the story: Never play beatmaps downloaded from dating websites.